well not really, since i never went at it full force, but i don’t plan to work out this week at the gym. again. i’m swamped with work and instead of waking early to exercise, i’ll probably just resign myself to doing re-writing my notes. which is good since i’m like 2 lectures behind for almost every class.
as for my statistics final… i never realized how short an hour was!! it wasn’t bad, but i overestimated my high school stats skills. college stats is almost entirely different, and i realize now that i was being a dipshit.
watched the last episode of THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O’BRIEN and i wish it was more exciting. too many commercial breaks, too many performances, not enough funny. but really nice. i’ll miss him for the next 7 months when he isn’t allowed to host anything.
today has been mediocre, at best. i didn’t do anything i really wanted because, well, i guess things just go wrong. i was planning on staying in and watching “9″ on tv but it turned out to be showing next friday (no, not the movie with ice cube lol). so that sucked. and then i was planning on catching up on my tv shows, but Id and her boyfriend kept talking to me and they PDA too much. and then we were going to watch Conan but campus housing television is different so we didn’t know which channel NBC was on… and Id was so slow about channel flipping! i was fighting the urge to grab it out of her hand. so yeup. that’s pretty much it.
the rain storms just keep on coming! and with no mercy either. on tuesday i lost my beanie (i stuffed it into my coat pocket and it must have fallen out) and almost lost my keys too except some kind and responsible stranger gave it to the professor to report, in front of the 500 student lecture hall, that someone had found their keys and if no one claims it he’ll “come into your dorm room and steal your laptop” haha. i didn’t even realize that i dropped it until i thought “oh i have that same bike / dog clicker from USE Credit Union! weird!!”, and then i saw my p-chan key chain and thought “oh shit!”
i was a fool to bike that tuesday morning. i was COMPLETELY soaked. the rain seeped through my jacket and my long-sleeved shirt. my jeans became a second skin. my mascara was running down my face. the wind blew my beanie and hood right off so that i had to stop and backtrack (only to lose my beanie *boo hoo*). on a lighter note, the beanie only cost my ~$1 before tax, and i was planning on getting a new one since i didn’t like the way it looked on my head.
i’m so glad i bought my rainboots. during fall quarter i said to myself, “what a waste! $30 and i only wore it twice , and when i do, i can barely walk!” but now, it’s such a convenience!! sidewalks are flooded, large puddles spanning yards are unavoidable, and people are generally inconsiderate when they’re in a rush. my only complaint is that my calves are rather big so it’s hard to stuff my jeans into the boots (so they’re usually ripply and bunched up at the top) and the long shaft makes me look that much shorter than i already am.
but anyway, today has not been a great day. the guy i have a crush on … i keep embarrassing myself in front of him. like saying “bless you” when i thought he sneezed but he actually coughed. and he coughs a lot. i didn’t realize until today, and i’ve been doing since last week. and today i sat on the wrong side of my lab partner during discussion (you sit wherever, really), in between her and him. he asked me to sit in another seat so that his friend could sit there. and to add to the embarrassment, last week during Asian American Historical Experience discussion i was asked what was the most exciting thing i did in my life and i said going to New York with my sister. my T.A., followed up with inquiring where i stayed. i said New York City and talked about Times Square and tried to be funny. no one laughed and i later found out that i stayed in Manhattan, not NYC. i felt like such an idiot. and a fool when i think about how my classmates and my T.A. perceive me – ignorant, or worse, an ignorant liar.
ugh i hate how i over-analyze everything and mull over trivial occurrences. yes, the above is embarrassing, but not so serious as i make it out to be. it’s only because it happened to me. but when you combine the low self-esteem with the shit weather that we’ve been experiencing and the piling up of homework and midterms and papers to write (all of whom are near each other, sadly *tear), it makes me feel so stressed and pressured. i sometimes wish that i could just disappear or die or kill myself because i don’t want to deal with it anymore. i feel suffocated. i haven’t shed tears of loneliness in a while. isolation. suffocation. i tried to talk to my sister, but i didn’t know how to bring it up. i should really stop now. blogging, that is.
stormy all day in san jose. and it’s supposed to rain for the WHOLE week in Davis!! noooooo, please, nooooo!!
despite the angst in the last post, the weekend turned out pretty nice. i mean, i didn’t get much done school-wise, but it was pretty cool.
i watched the GOLDEN GLOBES, AN EDUCATION (!!! lovely!!!), GEMINI (SOSEIJI), and PAPER HEART. the sister and i also ate at a really good indian / pakistani restaurant called SILK ROAD BISTRO in downtown San Jose. it was really good! hopefully i can elaborate on everything later, but i’ll probably never get around to it since i am SO HORRIFICALLY behind on school work and reading *fail*
i also bought a new toaster for $8 and a scarf for $5 at TARGET. the scarf was on sale! probably because no one wanted to buy a scarf with two fur balls attached at the end haha but the actual knitting was really pretty, and i figured i could always cut off the furry ends.
i came back to davis to find my room utterly trashed. my suitemates threw a double birthday party for two of the boyfriends. in our dorm. IN MY (SHARED) ROOM!! really, really messy with balloons and streamers and popcorn all across the floor. and bits of lemon pulp (they brought a blender and made margaritas. and got hella wasted). and my poor fish Balthus! i left him in their care since i was only going away for 3 days. i told them to feed him 4 – 6 pellets a day, one at a time so that he’ll eat it and not have any excess food sink to the bottom of his tank (thus dirtying it up… and it’s not really a nice sight to see either *urrghh*). well his tank is full of uneaten pellets and the tank background scenery i drew for him was all water-damaged. why? because they got so wasted that they started bumping into tables and his tank water splashed everywhere (gross and unhygienic 
).
*sigh* well enough ranting! need to shower and eat dinner (mom coerced me into bringing her crabby noodles because it was made especially for me). no DC food tonight! ♥
the scarf was originally $13!
why did i come back to san jose for the MLK weekend? i have a shitload of school work that needs to be done. my mom is out of the house and since i’ve been back all we’ve said to each other was “hey.” my dad is always on the telephone. my sister ditched me for her girlfriend and other personal shit.
i took a nap and woke up at 8:30pm with a headache, a stomach ache, grouchy and full of angst. not a good way to start what is supposed to be a good 3 day weekend
i forgot to mention that i went to two restaurants that i dined at for the first time recently!
BOILING CRAB
it will rape your wallet. they charge you for water ($.25) just because they are too lazy to use glasses and instead willfully pollute the environment with their plastic logo-imprinted cups, just like everyone else. it would be okay except 1) you’re charging me a quarter to drink something that should be free and 2) you’re a restaurant, not some fast food joint or smoothie stop. i bought the fried catfish dish because it came with a stack of cajun fries. at first i regretted it because the fried catfish tasted exactly like the freezer fishsticks your mom buys, but when i saw how much they give you of the fried calamari (what i originally wanted) and the price of the latter, i was pretty content with my fish. i do regret not being adventurous and not ordering the crawfish or any other specialties you’d expect of a seafood-oriented restaurant, but safe is safe. and besides, my friend ordered 1 lb of crawdads and they came an hour later. no joke.
the service was lacking. the waiters were mostly teens (and that’s okay), but when you’re trying to ask for a refill or just to ask a question it’s hard to catch a hold of one. well, actually, that’s not entirely true. our table had an original waiter but he kept ignoring us, so we relied a lot on this one really nice chick. she was really helpful.
the decor was overdone. kitschy, but overdone. the seating was cramped. actually, the restaurant was just too small and they were trying to make more money by overcrowding everyone. the wait time was seriously long, but i didn’t show up until 30 minutes into the waiting (1.5 hours i think). oh and the taxing was ridiculous. if you have 6+ people, a full 15% tip was necessary. i guess it was reasonable, but it was hard. plus, i think i made more than my share 
JOLLIBEE
i ate here with my cousins. the food was reasonably priced. i got spaghetti and it was DELICIOUS!! a little pricey for the amount that i got, but it’s okay. i guess it was a tad expensive because there was a lot of shit in it – hotdogs and stuff. it was sweet and good and worth it. i tried some of the chicken, and man was it good! the menu is small, but better small and good than diverse and mediocre. i’d definitely go back.
the seating was kinda poor. tables seated only up to 4 people -parties and even then your personal space was cramped. the experience was nice, except for that one woman breastfeeding diagonally to our table (o_o)
first week of the new quarter has been hectic. chemistry is so damn expensive. i haven’t really seen the sun in about 4 days, and i feel so down. i think it’s the weather. it makes me feel really depressed.
the classes i’m taking this quarter… also compound on the depression. i have lectures every day, and being just a face amongst 200 – 500 makes me feel so insignificant and alone. last quarter i only had one lecture class; last quarter all my classes were rather petite and homey. and now i feel alone and smushed into everything. on tuesdays i wake up at 6:15am and get back to my dorm permanently at around 10pm. i have heavy bags under my eyes and it’s only been the first week. i don’t know how i’ll manage.
it’s been so long since i last blogged that i can’t really recall much of what i wanted to say. all i remember was that i spent new years in front of the computer screen watching a movie, i think. so sad, am i right? i didn’t meet up with the gang over the break, the whole gang anyway. i see my sisters and my other friends and they have a “core” group. my “core group” is splintered and fractured. we all have separate lives now.
oh and by the way, apparently my laptop Sven is dying. something was wrong with the boot manager and i called KT over and he spent the whole day helping me and then we ate dinner and hung out some more. i really appreciate him. i don’t know what i’m going to do. he says i should start backing up my files and prepare to buy a new hard drive. which sucks. it’s been about two years. “it’s only a matter of time” so i guess it’s not too bad.
aside from shitty school, horrible weather, and depression, i’ve gained A LOT of weight. it’s really horrible. i look 3 months pregnant and i can’t wear a lot of my shirts anymore because my protruding gut is disgusting. i’m hoping to do at least 20 crunches a night and at least go to the gym once a week or hopefully twice a week. i don’t know how i’m going to fit it into my schedule.
the highlight of my day is watching a few episodes of DEXTER, and i’m already on season 2 after a week. but even that is hard to do now because i dunno if it’s my internet connection but it’s awfully slow loading. takes about an hour to do half an episode now *cry*
do i turn boyfriends gay or something? my ex-boyfriend asked to meet me for some froyo to catch up today, and after 20 minutes of hanging out, i finally said,”okay i’m curious. how’s your new girlfriend?” he smiled and said that he wanted to tell me but it was really difficult. so difficult that he was going to whisper it in my ear, because it wasn’t really a girlfriend and he wasn’t really dating. i was like wut the fuck, yo?
i actually asked, “what is she pregnant or something?” because how can you not really be dating but say that you’re in a relationship on fb?
turns out he has a de facto boyfriend. it’s not technically official (as in ‘we are dating now!! you, me, boyfriends, kay?!’); they both liked each other and are moving towards official-dome.
so yea. i’m not mad he has a boyfriend or anything, but i can’t help but ask myself – am i cursed?? my first boyfriend turns out to be gay, and my second boyfriend is bisexual and is currently dating a guy.
farouk said that he waited to tell me last because it was the hardest. i admit that i’m surprised and slightly disappointed. and btw, i was curious and so i looked up his bf on facebook, and he’s hot. dang it!!!! they haven’t actually met in person, but are long distance. ‘A’ introduced them. and i have i mentioned that i had a crush on A for the longest while? he turned out to be gay too.
*sigh* i’ve no luck with men.
i fell into a very depressive, introspective mood today. i had found out that my ex-boyfriend (bf of 3+ years) has definitely moved on and has just gotten himself a new girlfriend. a little bit heartbroken that it was definitely over, i thought about where my life was. i have no money. i’m single. i have no job. my grades aren’t all that great. i have a very bad self-image – to the point that i want to cut off handfuls of fat and flab. i just felt like shit both physically and mentally.
*sigh* it’s not like i want to get back together or anything; it’s more like i felt the relationship is incomplete or something. especially since it ended badly. i don’t know. it kinda sucks. i desperately want to know who she is just to see what she looks like (because you always want to see the new girl and compare yourself against her… do you think you look prettier and stuff. which i’m sure she is, pretty i mean. at least skinnier and happier anyway).
i feel happy for him, but i feel left behind. everyone is getting significant others, and i crave the companionship of one.
other than that, i’m going to start actively looking for a job for winter quarter. i need some moolah.
hmm… my dad’s relatives came today from L.A. county (he, my dad’s cousin [ whom i'll elaborate on in just a second ] was very clear that it wasn’t L.A. city but L.A. county). the son of his aunt is my age (one year younger), so technically he is the old man’s cousin. he was very …boring. like stereotypical boring. he mentioned Big Bang, the Korean boy band, and i said i know of them. i thought we had something in common with korean pop culture, but he only knows of big bang and of 2ne1 and vaguely of wondergirls. that’s okay. but apparently he hasn’t been to the theater in SEVEN YEARS, only going recently to watch AVATAR (which he kinda dissed in a way >:(). so i asked him what kind of bands / artists he usually listens to. he says he doesn’t really listen to music.
what about american bands, dude? O_O
tv? cartoon network. and not really since toonami got cut off the air. and no, he does not watch real-live tv shows like LOST and Heroes and Arrested Development, etc. etc.
so we started talking about school, and he said he applied to all these sophisticated universities and private colleges like Stanford, UCLA, Cal Tech, Pomona, Irvine, Berkeley, etc. etc. he says he got mostly straight A’s, which makes sense, but for such an academically intelligent person, he SERIOUSLY lacks cultural and somewhat common knowledge like who the hell Flo-Rida is, what the fuck a ‘ballad’ song is (no joke! o_O), etc. etc.
he also usually sleeps before 11pm and has only started to sleep later in his senior year.
i thought i was really closet and hermit-like, but i guess different strokes for different folks i cannot imagine not watching lots of movies and tv. i would probably commit suicide out of boredom and a sense of loneliness / longing, as pitiful enough as that sounds. he stayed REALLY long (sucked even more since my sister was gone so i had to talk to him by myself), but if there’s anything i can take from his visit, at least i have more fun.
watched parts of CIRCUS OF SOULS, NOEL and fully watched THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PYJAMAS.
on an interesting and ABSOLUTELY GROSS note, i glanced upon my B O N N E T stats and saw that a post made on 12/20 had like 66 views. highly, highly unusual for my blog since it’s mostly a below-the-radar teenage rant blog. reading through it again, i noticed i used the words ‘asshole / vagina’, and figured “ohhh…. EWWWW~!!” not cool, people! that’s what pornos are for
while i was in San Fran on the 24th haha
my family prefers to celebrate the materialism that is X-Mas. it’s pretty awesome, except i never get gifts from my mum, and my dad gave my sister and i the same gift… which means that my gift of an outer coat from the almighty Costco is too small.
Yesterday I went to San Francisco with Ly and her friend from Minnesota. It was pretty much a complete waste of time. I only went because I haven’t seen her in a while, and I kinda really wanted to go the Yes Style shop in one of SF’s many, many large malls. YS is a Korean-based store, and to my disappointment, their bay area branch was wayyy small. and uncomfortable. only men worked there though it is a predominately woman’s-ware clothing store, and no weren’t even cute. the whole time i was asking myself, “why are you here? i understand that it’s work, but the management should know that women would like to ask another woman to arrange a dressing room (which there were only two. it’s that small). ” It was kind of funny. The guy had to knock repeatedly and ask repeatedly if anyone was in the dressing room. But man what ridiculously outrageous prices!! OMMOOOOH!! I really wanted to get those kitschy knitted Christmas sweaters that you see in lots of movies (i.e. Bridget Jone’s Diary) and on white people (yes, I said ‘white people’). It was absolutely adorable!!… but it was listed for $33! I probably would have bought it if it was thicker, because damnnn that thing was thin (though knitted)!! I could see the color of my own bra when I wore it, so I was like, “ummm… probably not worth it.” And then if you considered sales tax (9.5%), it would have been close to $40.
So the only money I really spent was on food (~$7), transit fare (~$13), and the museum admission ($7). and by the way, when you’ve gone to New York’s Metropolitan Museum… anything else just kinda pales in comparison. I was walking through SF’s Asian Art Museum thinking, “Man, this is kinda sad…”, especially since they mainly focused on China, considered Japan, figured that India IS ‘southeast‘ Asia, remembered that Korea existed, and that ‘pacific islanders’ aka the Phillippines deserved one wall! Hold the phone, yo!! where’s Vietnam? Tibet? Cambodia? Mongolia? Kazakhstan (they’re of mixed origin, I think)? Hmong people of China? Malaysia? Indonesia? ETC. ETC. ETC. And I didn’t like how sponsors’ names were plastered EVERYWHERE. Keep it classy, San Fran! It was full of people’s names, even to the point where I saw a Bank of America logo on the bottom corner of one their large poster-size blurbs. And the mini blurbs themselves didn’t seem personally tailored to the item? it tended to bunch a collection together, and the collection itself sometimes looked like they didn’t fit.
I didn’t get much of an experience out of the whole SF thing, and I’m sad about that. I could have totally saved my mom some cash
I watched WAY WE GO yesterday, which was pleasantly surprising. I figured, “Oh no… it’s like JUNO except with old people”, but really, I think it’s a lot deeper than JUNO. and besides, who wants to have some precocious knocked-up teen preaching in your ear ago ‘home skillets’ and ’stink eyes’? It was quirky and cute, and not overbearing at all. I like how they introduced different characters and different parenting styles in each city. And watch the special features if you get a chance (that’s why I LOVE DVDs)! You appreciate the film so much more.
I also watched AVATAR today and it was MOTHERFUCKIN’ AWESOME, MAN!! I love it! I watched the imax-3D version, and I don’t care too much for the 3D (it was appreciated, but 2D , 3D… it was awesome!). felt like a history lesson since it was the white man vs. the indigenous people (africans & native americans totally). like DANCES WITH WOLVES meets POCAHONTAS with a dash of MOTHERFUCKING COOL SCI-FI!! HELL YES! totally badass awesomeness, even though it was 3 hours. i really like Cameron really thought this through – developing a whole language and waiting until technology was advanced enough to create his vision for the rest of us. films like AVATAR are the reason i really love film. i really want to borrow the DVD when it comes out just to see behind the scenes, making ofs, and commentary! I know I seem stark-raving mad since all I do is praise the film, but it’s because the positive vibes overwhelm anything negative that I could have thought about 
added the link to my literary blog, PR.INT.~
you need to watch AVATAR!!
my uncle died today, and his death is just so disheartening, especially since it’s during the holiday season. but i am happy he is no longer suffering. he’s been battling with drug addiction and homelessness and alienation for years. i am just sad that he had to pass on the streets, burnt to death (i am not entirely sure. i was told that his makeshift home caught on fire) and alone. i am not ashamed to admit that i am not completely heartbroken; i’m just sad. we weren’t close, and i don’t know if he even remembered my name.
my sister and i were talking, and she mentioned how, if his family was white, they probably would have tried more – tried to keep him clean, that is. his parents did try, but i felt that they were too lenient or passive. they failed a few times, and left him alone. but of course, who am i to judge? i am just an outsider looking in.
well, just my thoughts on the matter.
my eyes have been suffering long and hard lately. yesterday i went to the optometrist and she put iodine into my eyes to dilate them. i couldn’t focus anything for ~4 – 6 hours. it was nauseating. then today my sister and i made pasta, and i had the job of dicing the onions. aside from the fact that i utterly fail at chopping onions, the stinging pain made my pace twice as slow. carol was too late on giving me advice to soak them in water first
dinner was nice. it was delicious.
i also started a literature blog in hopes of recording as much of the books i read in college. will be a fun project, i think. i hope to finish at least 1 book a month to keep the archives happy.
on christmas eve i’m supposed to go to san francisco with Ly and her friend from Minnesota, Kayce. I’m quite excited, but sad because i don’t think i want to spend too much. we’re planning on shopping and going to the asian art museum. it’s nice that i get a discount because i’ll definitely bring my college i.d., but it’s still $7 ($12 if we want to go to the emerald cities exhibit). *sigh* and then there’s the whole $70 chem book. and i need to buy other chem supplies. fuck my life!
money, money, money!!
